Today is a heavy topic, my goal isn’t for sympathy or people to feel sorry for me!
My goal is that maybe by telling my story I can help someone else!
You read the heading and your mind probably goes straight to physical abuse, Hitting, shoving , throwing things!
Well that’s not the case, it’s about mental and verbal abuse. It’s about being called names from Bi*ch to C*nt,
It’s about being told I’m not good enough, no one loves or will ever love me, being called ugly, fat and useless, it’s about being told to kill yourself, having someone in your ear constantly critiquing everything about you and your family.
Mental abuse is just as awful, hard and real as physical abuse.
It’s like having every thought, wish and dream ran over by a truck, it’s like having your feelings thrown down the stairs, having your voice drowned in bleach.
It breaks you, it tortures you quietly and without a physical mark. You smile in public and pretend it’s perfect but your eyes are black underneath that perfectly clear skin. No one knows it, No one can see the effects, you live every day in a silent hell.
For me, it started once we moved in together. Before he was kind, loving and open. A month after living together, he was closed off, rude, hiding stuff, talking to other girls and calling me crazy, telling me my family is awful, refusing to go to family dinners at my parents, quit working and became lazy, was controlling how I spent my money that I made. Started calling me names and belittling me in front of friends. Telling me I couldn’t have people over without permission, if he didn’t like my friends they weren’t allowed over. Told me it was a better place without me there. Constantly put me down in front of his kids and told them how awful I am and how stupid I am. He would never apologize he didn’t see anything wrong with how he treated me. He would sit in a different area of the house and ignore me.
We broke up two times and got back together.
The third time was when it really hit that this guy is not the “good” guy I thought he was.
My parents offered me to stay with them so I could get back on my feet and possibly go back to school a little easier. When I told him I was considering it he lost his mind and broke up with me because I didn’t run it by him first. (Keep in mind we were already living separately )
We have been over for almost two months now, he still has not stopped harassing me. Constant emails, texts, name calling, stalking, creating fake profiles to watch me, telling me my friends are fake and hate me.
He has a chair of mine and some other small stuff that I gave him my half of the damage deposit to get rid of. Yet it’s constant come get your stuff or I’ll bring it to your work, come get it or I’ll drop it on your car.
It is so bad we have involved the police for the next step.
My family and friends have really been the reason I’m where I am today with all this.
Yes I have issues going out, I’m scared I’m going to see him or he’s going to follow me.
My mind is constantly fighting this battle of who I am and what I deserve.
Anyone who knows me knows i hate to cry and I spend a lot of energy trying to keep it in, but I find myself crying in the shower or at night so no one can hear me.
It’s not because I miss him, it’s because I can hear his voice saying I’m ugly, not worth it, fat, disgusting, c*nt. I don’t like allowing him to have so much power over me.
I hear constantly oh get over it, it is not something I can just get over. It took a year to fully break me, you can not expect me to be able to put myself back together in two months. Especially when he’s harassing me still.
I’m starting to though, with help from my family and friends. I smile more, I sing louder, I care less what people think. I remind myself daily that I am worth it and the right person for me will see that too.
It is a daily battle, but when I can’t be strong I have so many amazing people who lift me up.
Here is a look at some things other people in the same situation have heard. I refuse to call us victims, we are survivors, strong, beautiful and undeserving of being treated so poorly.
I personally have heard a lot of these from my ex and many more. Name calling, degrading, controlling behaviour.
This is my story, I hope I can help others realize they don’t deserve it, they aren’t alone, they are worth it!
Stay beautiful xo